Enter the humourous world of me!

Fancy

2005-08-15T02:33:10Z

Title: Fancy
Author: i_heart_spoons
Other pairings/characters: Dean/Ginny, Seamus/Terry (ends up being Seamus/Dean, of course) Rating: I'd say...PG 13, though I might've rated it too low.
Warnings: *Gasp* Het!
Summary: Seamus and Dean fancy a lot of things.
Author's Notes: Basically a series of drabbles. I'm pretty proud of it, seeing as it kind of wrote itself. Ha. Read and enjoy!

Fancy

Dean Thomas fancies himself an artist. The type of man who can capture an emotion with the flick of a pen, or the shade of a jaw, the arch of a line. He fancies himself able to change the world with his art, able to change minds and hearts.

Seamus Finnigan, on the other hand, fancies Dean should wake up and face reality. He wishes Dean wouldn't substitute his art for feelings and pretend that just because his painting his sad, he's sad, and that'll make up for lost time and he'll still be able to keep everything inside. He wishes he could make Dean realise that You-Know-Who isn't going to stop killing because Dean presented him with a drawing of daisies. But then, Seamus wishes for a lot of things.

Seamus Finnigan has never fancied himself as gay--just in love with Dean Thomas. Sure, he's looked at other blokes in the showers, but who hasn't? And those don't count, only Dean does. The way he bites his lip when he's nervous, the way he laughs with a quiet, sincere chuckle, the way he unbuttons the top three buttons of his shirt when the Common Room gets too warm. Seamus think it's the little things like that that make you love someone.

Dean Thomas, however, fancies himself in love with Ginny Weasley. She's everything he isn't--where he's secretive and quiet, she's open and loud. Drawing her is like drawing life itself, he thinks. He's drawn to her like a moth to flame, as cheesy as it sounds, drawn to the way she laughs with her whole body or the way she unbuttons the top three buttons of her shirt when the Common Room gets too warm. It's the little things like that, Dean thinks, that make you love someone.

Dean Thomas fancies himself unable to be surprised. But when Ginny Weasley plops down across from him in the library, stating very matter-of-factly that she likes him and that they should go out, he can't help but be surprised. Honestly, is it every day that one's muse, one's infatuation, one's reason for art, asks them out? He draws her immediately, capturing the way her hair sparkles in the firelight and the way her personality seems to leap out of her skin, even when she's sitting still. Smiling, he wonders if Seamus put in a good word for him.

Seamus Finnigan also fancies himself unable to be surprised, which is why he's so good at pretending he isn't crushed when Dean tells him about his new girlfriend. He wants to be there for his friend, wants to be his usual, flirtatious, fun self, wants to tell Dean very loudly that he'll be sure to flirt with Ginny as much as possible--but this time, it's different. It was all fine when he was dating Lavendar, because it was Seamus doing the dating. Dean was still the way Seamus preferred him--single. But now? Oh, are things different, and Seamus can't bring himself to be happy for Dean, no matter how hard he tries.

Dean Thomas fancies himself untouched by the war. Yes, people have died. But he's not known any of them, and even though he's a Half-blood, that doesn't matter because there's still the fact that no one he's known has died. But when a large black owl drops off a letter for Seamus that morning, he knows that is about to change.

Seamus Finnigan fancies that he knew this was coming, but all the same, it doesn't stop the tears as he sits on his bed with the curtains pulled tight around him, reading and rereading the letter until the parchment's been pulled flat and the ink has stained his fingers. But when Dean comes in, sketch pad in hand (he's always carrying the bloody thing, and this is one time where Seamus would have preferred to see Dean without it, without his excuse for barricading his emotions, thought Seamus thinks it might be easier if he, too, could draw his feelings rather than actually feel them) and tries to comfort him, everything comes to the surface. Seamus wants to yell, or hit, or do something to make Dean realise that he doesn't want to be drawn like Ginny Weasley, his fucking "muse, reason for art," but that he just wants Dean as more than a friend--but he doesn't do any of this as Dean wraps his arms around Seamus, and as Seamus cries for those that are lost.

Seamus Finnigan fancies himself good at forgetting. For instance, when Dean complains about his Mum's letter, he forgets that his own is gone and gives Dean the best advice he can give, because that's what best mates are for. In the same way, when he's with Terry Boot in the rarely-used broom closet on the fifth floor, he forgets that he is in love with Dean, if only because they're so different. Terry is practical, logical and straightlaced--their snog sessions are always perfectly calculated for maximum pleasure (in the back of his head, Seamus knows that were he doing this would Dean, it would be interesting--it would involve paint, and tongues, and fingers, and eyes, not carefully placed hands and precise angles that heads are tilted at). But what Seamus always manages to remember is that Terry isn't Dean, and that he never will be.

Dean Thomas, too, fancies himself good at forgetting, but only when he's with Ginny. She has the ability to make him forget about anyone but her (even Seamus, with his charming smile and sandy blond hair that could make even the straightest of boys feel a little something, though Dean would never admit it), the way she laughs, the way she fights. He even forgets to be angry with when Ron and Harry catch them snogging, but only because he finally notices the way Harry looks at Ginny and it makes him laugh with triumph on the inside, makes him sing over and over again, "I got her!" But Dean remembers to forget the most important thing of all, and that is the fact that nothing lasts forever.

Terry Boot may not be a social climber, but he reads enough for his entire year and that should mean that he knows some things. And he's not going to spout off any of that, "I've seen the way you look at him," business either, because even a blind man could see that Seamus Finnigan doesn't care about Terry and his endless calculations, only for Dean and his artistic soul. Terry supposes he should care more about this, but he doesn't--he's analysed his relationship with Seamus from every possible angle, thinking of every possible scenario, analysed it so many times that even the realisation that the boy he might actually like (not love, for Terry's analysed that concept as well, and has decided it useless and nonexistent) is in love with someone else causes him no great trauma.

Dean Thomas fancies himself thinking quite clearly when he grabs Seamus by the wrist and drags him upstairs, pushes him against the wall, and presses his lips to his. Later he will say he wasn't thinking straight (in more ways than one) and that it was all a big mistake, but right now he's thinking the clearest he's ever thought in his life, and his brain is resounding with only one thought--Ginny.

Seamus Finnigan fancies that snogging (and more) with Dean is messy--physically and emotionally. He also fancies that he knew Dean would kiss with his eyes open, knew Dean would want to experience everything as visually as possible, which explains the almost laughable sight of his eyes fluttering to keep themselves open as he watches Seamus work his hands in ways so artistic they could rival Dean's. It's not the Seamus doesn't want this, because Merlin, he does, but it's all wrong. He shouldn't be crying, he should be thrilled, escatic, moaning in ecstasy--and Dean shouldn't be silent, he should be vocal, and Seamus is angry that the one thing that's supposed to make a person come undone doesn't phase Dean at all, and it's as if he's reigned his emotions in even tighter than before. When they're finished, Dean rolls over and lays there, his breath loud against the pillow.

Twelve seconds later, he tells Seamus that he wasn't thinking straight, and that it was all a big mistake, leaving Seamus to put the pieces of his heart back together alone. As sappy as that sounds.

Seamus Finnigan fancies himself surprised at how easily (and pathetically) he crawls back to Terry and becomes his "usual" self again. People think he's happy, the girls blush and giggle when he flirts with them, the boys roll their eyes and say things like, "Good ol' Seamus," but he knows that he isn't happy. The fact is that Terry doesn't kiss with the passion that Dean does when he thought Seamus was too busy crying to notice (ha! He's found it, the one thing Dean puts his emotion into that isn't a sketchpad), and Terry's hands aren't calloused and paint-splattered from works of art. But Seamus has a feeling that Terry knows all of this, which hurts even more.

Dean Thomas fancies himself embarassed at what happened with Seamus, not because hates Seamus, but because he thinks he might actually feel something in a more-than-friendly way for him, and because Seamus, so full of life and love, didn't deserve to be with someone so emotionally locked as he, which is why he spends his time trying to forget. Seamus hasn't spoken to him in days, which everyone thinks is because of Quidditch and Ginny, which is funny because it is, but in an entirely different way. He knows Seamus is with the Ravenclaw boy, which makes him inexplicably jealous, and angry, which in turn makes him angrier because he swears he's still in love with Ginny. So he tortures himself by drawing them together--Harry and Ginny, Seamus and Terry--the two people he wants to most wanting other people.

Dean Thomas has always fancied himself a strong man. In fact, he's not cried since age twelve, when his mum tilted his world and told him that the man he thought was his father wasn't really his father at all, but some replacement for a wizard who'd up and left them twelve years prior. He cried that night, cried for the confusion of not knowing, cried with the hatred for the people who'd taken his father away from him, cried with the anger at his mother for lying. He'd never felt so distant, so weak, and from that day he vowed never to cry again. Dean thinks his ability to hide his emotions funny--he always told himself he could've been a Slytherin if he wanted to. But that was the point, wasn't it? That he didn't want to, and he'd never want to.

Seamus Finnigan fancies it natural for him to be scared at Dumbledore's funeral. His hand is clutching Dean's knee, and even though he knows Dean won't love him, and that, no matter how hard he tries, Terry can't love him, Seamus needs something to hang on to that's real and solid. He's scared for the war, scared for the inevitable deaths, scared for going back home and facing his dad (who's cursed Wizardkind and will probably never want to see him again). But most of all, he's scared that he'll die without ever having truly loved someone and had them love him in return.

Seamus Finnigan fancies himself unable to help it when he kisses Dean in the Common Room before the start of the summer holidays, which shouldn't even be considered a holiday since McGonagall's decided to keep the school open year-round as a sort of refuge for all of the orphaned students. Though they aren't orphans, neither of them are going home--Seamus because his dad won't allow it, and Dean because his parents can't understand what's going on. Seamus doesn't care that Dean loves Ginny, because he knows that Dean will eventually come to realise that if you can't be with the one you love, you should love the one you're with, right?

Dean Thomas fancies that he never was in love with Ginny. Just infatuated, obsessed, overtaken by her presence and her being, as any artist is wont to do with his muse. And oh, was Ginny a muse, with her fiery red locks and her vibrant aura. But Dean was just replacing Seamus with Ginny, because long ago his brain had decided that Seamus was too good for him, so it was best to just move on to someone who loved another and was using him to replace someone, too. It was always Seamus, though, always the short, loud Irish boy and the way he loved with all his heart yet still found time to flirt, or the way he buttoned up the top three buttons of his shirt when the Common Room got too cold. Dean wants something real--not an obsession, not a muse--and even if he loses Seamus to the war he'll know that it was real--but Dean doesn't fancy thinking about that right now.

Fin.

New ficlet

2005-06-22T04:53:08Z

Written for Challenge 81, the After Hours challenge, posted on 30minutefics

Title: The Malfoy Code of Ethics
Rating: PG-13 for some sexual references
Pairing: Ron/Draco. Mmhmm, one of my faves.
Summary: Because Draco had always thought the Astronomy Tower rather cliched, after all.
Notes: Written in 30 minutes, and then I took another five for editing. So...enjoy!

Draco Malfoy had always thought the Astronomy Tower rather cliched. Whenever he brought someone up there (which didn't happen often, as Draco was extremely selective about whom he fooled around with), he couldn't help but feel that he could be doing a lot better in terms of location. Alas, it was convient, and there was no chance Filch would catch him, what with all of the other amorous couples that like to keep late hours there.

Which is why Draco was particularly angry when Ron Weasley suggested they spend the night at the greenhouse instead of the Astronomy Tower, if only because he hadn't thought of the brilliant location himself. He could clearly remember saying,"Why didn't I think of that? Why didn't I think of that?" Not that he'd ever admit as much to Weasley. He still wasn't sure if he wanted to remember his recent trysts with the Weasel. Whom Draco now supposed he should call by his first name, not because he was maybe, possibly, ever-so-slightly growing feelings for him, but because it's always polite to do so once someone's had your dick in their mouth.

Shrugging these thoughts off, Draco sped up his walk a bit so as to catch up with Ron. "If you're so eager to catch up, just run," Ron called behind him.

"Malfoys don't run."

"Not even for someone as shaggable as me?"

"Not even, Weasley." Draco mentally kicked himself for the name, but decided not to press the issue. Hold habits die hard, after all. Once he was fully caught up with Ron, he dared to slip a hand around his waist. At Ron's noise of surprise, Draco waved his hand dismissively. "Just making sure you don't go on ahead of me," he said casually. Ron smiled.

"Right, sure." Draco knew Ron didn't believe him, but didn't bother to argue his point. There's no point in arguing with someone who you're about to snog, after all. Ron unlocked the greenhouse door with his wand and stepped in quietly, putting a finger to his lips.

"I'm not stupid, Ron, I know how to be quiet," Draco hissed.

"We're on a first-name basis now, eh?" Ron smiled. Draco rolled his eyes, though he could feel the corners of his lips tugging upwards. This was not a moment for smiling! Thankfully, the burgeoning smile faltered when Ron grabbed Draco's wrist and backed him up against a table, pressing his lips to Draco's neck. Draco smiled into Ron's hair as he worked his way up Draco's neck, planting feathery kisses on his jaw line.

They were level, blue eyes staring into grey ones. Ron smiled, and pressed his lips to Draco's. Draco wrapped his arms around Ron's waist, pulling him closer. He laughed as Ron lightly tickled his sides, though he didn't want to. Late-night snogs are a serious matter, after all, and it wouldn't do to start laughing. Ron pulled back a little, and grinned at Draco. "You're cute when you laugh, you know that?" Draco wrinkled his nose.

"Malfoys aren't cute."

"Right, sure. Just like Malfoys don't run, and Malfoy's don't snog anywhere but the Astronomy Tower, and Malfoy's don't associate with Weasleys. Looks like you've broken two of your family's rules already, love." Draco narrowed his eyes. Why bring that word into the equation?

"Don't call me that."

"What?"

"Love." Ron's grin widened.

"What, is your heart too cold and black to handle a little love?" Draco put a palm on Ron's chest and pushed him away.

"Of course it is," he said, crossing his arms over his chest. Ron leaned over the crossed arms to plant a kiss squarely on Draco's lips. After several seconds of mental debate, Draco decided that he certainly wasn't getting any from anyone else (as much as he hated to admit it), so he might as well stop being angry and have a bit of fun. Uncrossing his arms, he grabbed Ron's and leaned forward, kissing him back. Ron made a noise of appreciation and slid his tongue across Draco's lips, asking for entrance. He parted his mouth a little, and Ron's tongue dove inside, swirling, driving, surrounding, and Draco was lost...

"Ron! What're you doing--MALFOY?" Neville Longbottom stopped dead in his tracks, the newest rare plant he had found held precariously in his left hand. "What're you guys--what're you doing in...here?" Ron and Draco exchanged glances. Well, there was no explaining their way out of this one, was there?

Draco was the first to speak. Clearing his throat and pushing Ron off of him, he strode purposefully over to Neville. "What does it look like we're doing? If you're not here to snog, then get out." Neville was shocked. RON was shocked. Why, even Draco himself was shocked, shocked that he had just admitted that yes, he was snogging Ron Weasley. And he was enjoying it.

"I--er...I, er, well."

"My, that was coherent," Draco said as he brushed past him. At the door, he stopped and turned back. "Ron? Are you coming?"

"Ron?" He heard Neville whisper. "He's calling you Ron now?" Ron mumbled something unintelligible (typical of him, Draco thought. He'd definitely have to get the boy some lessons in decorum if he were ever to be presentable) and made his way over to Draco. Halfway there, he knocked a table and one by one, plants toppled over and their ceramic holders shattered on the ground.

"Look at what you did!" Neville whispered angrily, fumbling over the broken plants and succeeding in knocking over even more of them. Draco rolled his eyes. Why was Longbottom still whispering? Why did Longbottom care so unnecessarily much? They were just bloody plants, after all. Nothing worth interrupting a good snog over.

"Honestly, Longbottom, if brains were gold you'd be poorer than--"

"Weasley. How many times have I heard that one?" Ron asked as he leaned casually against the doorframe of the greenhouse. Draco turned his steely gaze on Ron.

"No one interrupts a Malfoy." It was now Ron's turn to roll his eyes.

"Looks like I just did, doesn't it? You take yourself much too seriously," he said, slipping a hand about Draco's waist. "Let's say we go to the Astronomy Tower, all right?" Draco smirked as he allowed Ron to lead him out of the greenhouse and across the grounds.

"Good thing you've finally come to your senses, Ron. Haven't I been suggesting the Astronomy Tower all along?"

"So says Mr. 'Why Didn't I Think of That!'"

Draco's smirk turned into a genuine smile as he spoke. "Malfoys never admit that anyone else's ideas are better than theirs."

"Of course they don't."
____

As for Neville, he never went to the greenhouse after hours again. Of course, that may be just because Draco threatened to destroy that ridiculous plant of his--not that he ever planned on doing it. Malfoys never carry out their threats, after all. That's for people like Crabbe and Goyle to take care of.

Harry Potter and the CLiches of DOOM: Chapter Four!

2005-06-15T23:38:42Z

Heeeere it is, Chapter Four!

Rating: PG-13. Same as always.

Harry Potter and the Cliches of DOOM.

"Ron, we need to stop doing this," Harry said from his kneeling position. Ron sighed and zipped up his trousers.

"Yeah, I suppose you're right. I've been an arse. I'm not even gay!" Harry was bewildered.

"You're not? But I thought--I thought everyone here was gay!" Ron shrugged.

"Guess you thought wrong?" Harry nodded and laid back on Ron's bed. "So, I think Hermione's mad at me," Ron began. Harry waved his hand for Ron to continue. "Yeah, last night after that crazy fiasco with You-Know-Who in the common room-"

"VOLDEMORT WAS IN THE COMMON ROOM?!?" Ron nodded.

"Yeah, mate, it was right scary, but Hermione saved me after I fainted, but that's not the point of this story. The point of the story is that I nearly shagged Cho in the Quidditch locker room this afternoon!"

"WHAT?!?" Ron nodded miserably.

"She'd just come in from practice, and was all sweaty and gorgeous and everything, so I thought maybe I'd go and talk to her...I didn't know it would end up with us in the showers together! Please don't tell Hermione, all right?" Harry sat up.

"Why would I tell Hermione?"

"Erm...I dunno...because you would?" Harry rolled his eyes and flopped down on the bed.

"I wouldn't tell her because I have loads more important things to think about." Harry turned and looked Ron in the eyes. "I'm in love." Ron groaned inwardly. Great, this is the part where Harry would tell him that he was in love with him, and then Ron would have to politely explain to Harry that he wasn't gay. And that he would never be, for that matter. Poor misguided Harry! "...with Draco Malfoy."

It took several seconds for that to settle in. "WHAT?" Harry sighed dreamily.

"Yeah...I didn't want to tell you this before, but I just can't contain myself! He's so amazing Ron, you should really give him a chance, and you should--"

"But Malfoy isn't gay!"

"I know. But it doesn't matter when you're in love!"
______

Mary Sue zoomed around the Quidditch pitch on her Firebolt, completely oblivious to the fact that Voldemort had stormed her common room hours earlier on a search for her. Since she was the new Gryffindor Quidditch captain, she was getting in a few extra flies before the first game versus Slytherin. She hovered in mid-air as she watched a short blond boy she'd seen in her Potions class walk onto pitch with his broomstick in hand. She flew down to meet him.

"Hey!" She shouted cheerily. Draco beamed at her, and then immediately stopped, but then started back up again. Why not let the world know that Harry Potter's skills as a Seeker translated into masterful bedroom skills?

"Hello!" He yelled. Mary Sue hopped off her broom. Hm, this boy was kind of cute, and those leather trousers he was wearing were probably a nightmare for flying but they certainly made his arse look nice.

"I'm Mary Sue!" Draco's scowl returned as he remembered that this was the girl the Dark Lord had come looking for.

"The Dark Lord's after you, you know," Draco drawled. Mary Sue's huge blue eyes opened wide and she gasped in shock.

"How do you know?" Draco rolled his eyes. Must he be constantly surrounded by fools?

"He came into my dormitory looking for you, that's why!" Mary Sue curled up into a ball on the ground and started to cry.

"Oh, this is horrible! Just terrible! Oh, I'd better go back to my common room!" With that, Mary Sue took off for Gryffindor Tower, leaving Draco alone on the Quidditch pitch. Suddenly, Draco began to feel extremely naseous. Thinking that he wouldn't be able to hold back the vomit for long, he ducked under the stands just in case anyone was watching. It was terribly unseemly for a Malfoy to vomit in public, after all.

________

Professor Snape swirled the contents of the potion he was holding about in their jar, and handed it to Draco. "It doesn't look good, sweetie," he said with a sigh. It was a shame, really, for Draco was such an attractive boy...Professor Snape smiled to himself. Maybe he could give him detention? Yes, then he could have both Mary Sue and Draco for his pleasure that evening...but seeing the greenish cast of Draco's face, Snape decided against it.

"You mean...I'm pregnant?" Draco whispered. Snape nodded.

"'Fraid so, hon." Draco rolled over on his stomach and tried not to cry, but it was awfully hard. Falling in love with Harry Potter was making him an emotional basketcase.

"Please tell me who the father is," Draco wailed. Snape examined the potion's colors.

"Harry Potter...?" Draco sat up immediately.

"WHAT? Give me that!" He snatched the potion from Snape, and even though he couldn't decipher the meaning of the colors or the smell, he started to cry anyway.

"Didn't know you were gay," Professor Snape said after a few minutes.

"I'M NOT GAY!" Draco yelled.

______

That evening at supper, Dumbledore stood up to give an announcement. "It has come to my attention that Voldemort has found a method of getting into Hogwarts. He was spotted in the Gryffindor Common Room yesterday evening--hey, dudes! Chill out, guys! The prefects will now take everyone back to their common rooms, and I will give them further instructions from there." Everyone was indeed panicking, and it took Hermione three tries and a flash of her ample cleavage to get the majority of Gryffindors to listen to her and head up to the common room.

Meanwhile, Dumbledore had summoned Mary Sue and she approached him fearfully. "Oh, what have I done wrong?" She asked.

"I know Voldemort is after you," he said, pulling out a large purple amulet on a string. "So take this. Your mother left it to you before she died, and it will protect you in any situation!" Mary Sue gasped and took the shining purple amulet from Dumbledore.

"Oh, my God you have no idea what this means to me!" She hugged Dumbledore and ran off the the Gryffindor common room.

Harry Potter and the Cliches of Doom--Chapter 3

2005-06-07T01:42:41Z

Chapter 3 is now up!

NOTE: This chapter is extremely ridiculous. I actually laughed out loud while I was writing it. I don't think it makes much sense, but I laughed, so I think you should too. And Voldemort somehow ended up sounding like a Ringwraith. Just go with it.

Hermione took the silencing spell off of her bed as she watched Ginny button up her shirt. "I think Ron's shagging the new girl," she said forlornly. Ginny frowned.

"So? You're shagging me, aren't you?" Hermione shrugged.

"You don't count!" Ginny scowled again. It was really too bad that Harry had admitted to her that he was gay three weeks ago, because Ginny was certain he'd be a lot better in the sack than Hermione. Hermione ran away to go find Ron, leaving Ginny alone in the girls' dormitory. Suddenly the door opened and in walked Mary Sue, beaming like the sun.

"Ginny!" She said happily.

"Mary Sue..." Ginny said, a little less happily. It was hard for Ginny to be happy these days, especially when she was harboring such a big secret: that diary, the one she'd had when she was eleven, well...it had never really been destroyed. No, Ginny had placed a decoy in the Chamber of Secrets and was now conducting an extremely secret, extremely sexual relationship with Tom Riddle so that she could cope with Harry's being gay.

Mary Sue plopped down on Hermione's bed and drew her perfect, model-length legs up to her ample chest. "Ginny, can we talk?" Ginny shrugged. She had a date with her diary in ten minutes, but she supposed she could spare a few minutes for the blonde beauty. Mary Sue turned her tear-filled baby blue eyes up to Ginny's, and wailed,
"Voldemort is after meeeeeee!" Ginny drew back at the mention of His name.

"You can't say that!" She hissed. Mary Sue began to cry huge elephant tears.

"That's why I came to Hogwarts! He tried to kill my parents and I tried to save them but then some of his EVIL powers transferred to me and now...now...I think I've killed your brother!" Ginny stopped. What? She killed Ron?
"WHAT?" Mary Sue nodded.

"I killed him! We were kissing, he's so cute, and then--and then--some lightening sparked out of me and he fainted! Oh, Ginny, what am I going to do!" So Hermione was right! Ron was shagging the girl! Ginny shook her head and growled, and at that very moment Harry burst into the room. Ginny looked up.

"Harry! What are you doing here?" Harry looked bewildered, and fled out of the girls' dormitory.

______

Draco smashed yet another expensive glass ornament against the wall of the common room, praying that Blaise wouldn't walk in. Merlin knew Draco didn't want Blaise to see him having a fit like this--not after Draco'd cried out Harry's name during the excellent shag they were having the night before. Draco flopped down onto his black silk sheets, frowning. He still hadn't replied to that owl his father had sent him--the one demanding him to join up with the Death Eaters...or else! Draco groaned and rolled over. He would never join the Death Eaters, not even if the Dark Lord himself offered him a golden palace filled with Harry Potter clones ready and waiting to do his bidding! The door to the dormitory opened and Draco heard a raspy voice.

"Draaaacoooo....Malllfooooooy...." Draco sat bolt upright. He'd just been kidding about the Dark Lord thing! Just kidding! Peeking around his curtains, Draco's suspicions were confirmed: Voldemort was indeed standing in his room, prowling the area for Draco. Voldemort ripped open the curtains to Draco's bed.

"Wheeeere issss the giiirl?" Draco looked around. Girl? What girl? He was a flaming queer, there wouldn't be any--Draco stopped himself. He. Was. Not. Gay. "Yessss you aaaaaare," Voldemort hissed. Draco squealed like a girl and dove behind his curtains. Voldemort frowned. Obviously the impetulent American girl was not here.

______

Harry speared a piece of carrot with his fork and gazed over at the Slytherin table, where Draco was sitting a little ways off from his friends. It was so unusual, to see him not surrounded by his usual gang of minions that Harry wanted to cheer, get up on the table and do a tap dance, but he didn't think Seamus would appreciate that much.

Across the Great Hall, Draco watched Harry eat with disgust. The little bugger doesn't have any problems at all, he thought to himself. Okay, well, except for the whole Dark Lord chasing him bit. That must suck. Draco was tired of being hunted down by his father, and the recent episode with Voldemort in the dormitory had put Draco off of leather trousers for days now, even though he wasn't sure why. He spotted Mary Sue laughing and giggling with Lavender, feeling some slight pity that she didn't know the Dark Lord was after her. And from what he could see, she desperately needed a better dye job, and a new pair of shoes while she was at it, or hey, why not an entire shopping spree? Draco's eyes lit up with the prospect of a shopping spree, and then the light immediately died down, because Draco. Was. Not. Gay. At. All. But he was desperately in love with Harry Potter.

_______

Ron walked into the common room, hoping that someone had saved him some dinner. He was startled by a black, hooded figure sitting by the fire, twiddling his thumbs. The figure stood up, turned to face Ron, and...
"V-V-V-" Ron couldn't bear to say his name.

"Yessss, that'ssss meeeeee..." Voldemort said. He pointed his wand at Ron and cackled evilly. "Wheeeeere issss the giiiiiirl?" Ron blubbered and looked about, hoping, praying that Voldemort wouldn't Avada Kedavra him.
"I don't-I don't-I don't know what you're-" and then he fainted. Voldemort rolled his eyes and pointed his wand down at Ron, opening his mouth when-

"Expelliarmus!" Hermione jumped through the portrait hole (her breasts bouncing jovially) and Voldemort's wand flew out of his hand. Hermione bent down over Ron, cooing and cradling his face in her arms. She stood up. "HOW DARE YOU?" She screamed. Voldemort smiled and shook his head.

"Iiiiii've got you right where I waaaaant yoooooou," he said, before Disapparating with a pop. Hermione was shocked.

"You can't--you can't--you can't Disapparate in the Hogwarts grounds!" she said to the thin air.

______

Harry stopped crying as soon as he heard Draco step into the prefects' bathroom. "Oh my God, you've been crying!" Draco rushed over to Harry and looked into his sparkling green eyes, and then immediately snapped himself out of it. What was he, gay?

"Of course I haven't been crying!" Harry wailed. At that exact moment, Draco started to cry as he was overwhelmed by all that had happened to him. "What's that matter?" Harry asked soothingly.

"The-the-the Dark Lord came into my dormitory and he found out that I'm gay even though I'm not! And my Daddy wants me to join the Death Eaters and I'll probably die because he'll kill me when I tell him that I'm in love with Harry Potter!" Draco bawled into Harry's shoulder. Harry was bewildered, but brought his Quidditch-toned arms up around Draco to comfort him anyway.

"Voldemort got into Hogwarts?" Draco nodded and blubbered. "Oh no! I have to get back to the common room!" Draco stopped crying and pouted.

"But we haven't even shagged yet!"

"And we won't, not ever, not unless it's completely miraculous and can heal me of all the trauma I've suffered at the hands of Dudley!" Draco paused to think.

"Yeah, I can do that." Harry stopped and weighed his options. It was either go rescue his friends from Evil Lord Voldemort, or stay in the cozy prefects' bath and shag Draco. Wow, what a decision.

"I guess I can stay here for a little while longer..."

Star Wars Episode III!

2005-06-03T00:14:25Z

This is a little spoof of mine. I got the idea from m15m, so I'm giving all credit for the idea to that. So, let the fun continue!

Scrolling introduction. Majestic Star Wars music! We now zoom in on Obi-Wan and Anakin flying around a giant space ship that holds Chancellor Palpatine. Jedi to the rescue!

Obi-Wan Kenobi: This is fun, isn't it?

Anakin Skywalker: Yes, I must say that I do enjoy a good interspace battle or two!

Obi-Wan and Anakin enter the Evil Ship with R2D2. They find Count Dooku. Old Man Fight: Part 1 commences. Anakin ends up with Count Dooku in the crosshairs of his lightsabers.

Chancellor Palpatine: Kill the bastard, damnit!

Anakin: I can't! It's not the Jedi way!

Chancellor: Screw the Jedi way! He's too dangerous to live!

Anakin: All right, all right, I'll do it--but only I'm emotionally weak.

Anakin kills Count Dooku. Obi-Wan, the Chancellor, Anakin, and R2D2 make a narrow escape! from the Evil Ship and crash-land Coruscant, narrowly avoiding death because Anakin's the best damn starfighter pilot Star Wars has ever seen.

Anakin: Must you leave so soon, Master?

Obi-Wan: Politics are for sissies, and I think you fit the bill perfectly!

Anakin: *giggling* Oh, all right!

Padme: Anakin! Oh, my love love love love love love, how I've missed you!

Anakin: Really? I've missed you too! Now give me some sweet lovin'.

Padme: I have wonder-

Anakin: Give. Me. Some. Sweet. Lovin'.

Padme: Ihavesomewonderful-

Anakin: Do I have to go all Sith Lord on your ass, woman? Give me some sweet lovin', and NOW!

Padme: ANAKIN I HAVE WONDERFUL NEWS! *Pause.* I'm getting you acting lessons! I mean--I'm pregnant!

Anakin: *completely monotone* I am so happy.

[The Jedi Council]

Yoda: Trust the Chancellor, I do not.

Mace Windu: Word.

[The Chancellor's Office]

Chancellor: So, now that you've been my love slave for a good thirty minutes, I'm going to put you on the Jedi council!

Anakin: Dude...that's so not the Jedi way!

Chancellor: Screw the Jedi way. I hate the Jedi. They're trying to take over!

Anakin: *completely monotone* I am overwhelmed.

[Back to the Jedi Council]

Mace Windu: Yo, yo, yo, we ain't gonna make you no Master up in here!

Anakin: What. The. Fuck.

Yoda: Speaks correctly, my nigga does. No Master title for you!

*Later, outside...*

Anakin: *completely montone* This is outrageous. I am so upset.

Obi-Wan: I knew you would be! And that's why....you get to be a double-no, a triple-agent for the Council! Eh? Eh? What do you say?

Anakin: TREASON!

Obi-Wan: Damnit.

[The Bedroom of Love]

Anakin: You're so beautiful.

Padme: Only because I am so in love with you!

Anakin: NO WAY! Only because I am so in love with YOU!

Anakin has a dream about Padme dying. He wakes up, sweaty and bare-chested. Let us all pause to admire the hotness.

Padme: Do you think this outfit could look any more uncomfortable to sleep in? Anyway, Ani...what's the problem?

Anakin: I had a nightmare! Boohoo! You're going to DIE!

Padme: Pssh, no I'm not. Go back to bed!

[The Hall of Master Yoda]

Anakin: So I've been having these dreams...

Yoda: Comes a time in every boy's life, there does. Called growing up, it is. Waking up with sticky sheets have you been?

Anakin: EW NO! That ain't the Jedi way!

Yoda: Ah, right.

Anakin: So, anyway, these dreams...they were like the ones I was having about my mom. Except they were about someone close to me that might be named Padme but I can't really tell you because Jedis aren't allowed to have sex.

Dumbledore!Yoda: Learn to let go, you must. For some, death is but the next great adven--

Me: Psst, Yoda! Wrong wise old mentor.

Yoda: My bad! I mean...you know, things about Death and Losing Loved Ones and how you must Learn to Let Go.

[Wookie!]

Yoda goes off to party with some Wookies on their home planet. Damn, those things are annoying.

[The Space Ballet]

Anakin: Look at these extremely boring giant spermatazoa!

Chancellor: I knew you'd like it! But let's get down to business.

Anakin: To defeat the Huns?

Chancellor: How many times do I have to tell you to stop watching Disney movies? I just want to tell you a story! Now, once upon a time, there was a Sith Lord named Darth Plagus and the crazy motherfucker got so powerful that he could bring people back from death. Cool right? Well, guess what? I CAN TEACH YOU THIS POWER TOO!

Anakin: Uhm...that isn't the Jedi way.

Chancellor: Screw. The. Jedi. Way. Anyway, they're all a bunch of power-hungry bastards.

Anakin: Nuh-uh! The Jedi are selfless!

Chancellor: Actually, everyone's power-hungry.

Anakin: Except the Jedi!

Chancellor: Including the Jedi.

Anakin: Except the Jedi!

Chancellor: Including the--dude, this isn't getting us anywhere.

Anakin: Good call, I agree. Moving on.

Chancellor: So I guess the Council asked you to spy on me for them, huh?

Anakin: NO!!!!! Yes...

Chancellor: Ha! I knew it! Well, I know where General Grievous is, so you can tell the Council to suck it.

[Jedi Council]

Anakin: I know where General Grievous is! Suck it!

Obi-Wan: Since the Council hates you, I'll go!

Anakin: Damnit.

[Chancellor's Office]

Chancellor: I'm the Sith Lord! SURPRISE!

Anakin: I'll kill you!

Chancellor: No you won't.

Anakin: How do you know?

Chancellor: Do the words "I can save Padme!" ring a bell?

Anakin: TRAITOR! I'm telling Mace Windu!

[Utapu]

Leader: Guess who dropped by for a visit, Obi-Wan? General Grievous!

Obi-Wan: Sweet! It's clobberin' time!

Obi-Wan finds General Grievous, the Amazing Robot Wonder. General Grievous can wield four lightsabers at once, but when his arms get chopped off he has to resort to the Rolling Wheel of DOOM. Obi-Wan outsmarts the general and shoots him. General Grievous burns up.

[Chancellor's Office]

Mace Windu: The white man is under arrest, for once! Talk about role reversal!

Chancellor: *Cue Old Man Fight: Part 2*

Chancellor shoots out with Sith lightening at Mace Windu. The lightening reflects and the Chancellor gets hideously ugly, and then Anakin appears because he's stupid.

Anakin: Don't kill him, Mace! I love him! I NEED HIM!

Mace Windu: You can't betray the Council!

Anakin: ACTUALLY, I CAN! *chops off Mace's arm, and the Chancellor pushes him out of the window*

Chancellor: Now that that distraction is out of the way...I think I'll promote you to the level of love slave/apprentice.

Anakin: *is convienently waist-high to the Chancellor* Anything you wish, Master.

Chancellor: Sex, sex, sex, that's all you kids think about! All I want to do is make you Darth Vader!

Anakin: Ooooh. Cool!

Chancellor: Go the the Jedi temple and tear shit up. Thanks a bunch, sweetie!

[Random Planets]

Chancellor: Execute Order 66!

Clone Troops: Yes, Master!

Clone troops kill people in a very Lord of the Rings-like slow death montage. It would have been sad if that blue girl wasn't so funny-looking.

[The Jedi Temple]

Youngling: Master Skywalker, what are we going to do?

Anakin: *implied: Well, we could sit down and play Jedi Master with our dollies, but I'd much rather prefer killing you, mmmkay?* Anakin's lightsaber: let the killing spree being!

Youngling: Oh, shit.

Chancellor: Go to Mustafar, which looks strangely like Mordor in planet form!

Anakin: Ahoy, matey!

[Back on the Home Front]

Anakin: So, I'm about to go and kick some Jedi--I mean, Seperatist--ass.

Padme: I think we're on the wrong side.

Anakin: DON'T TALK TO ME THAT WAY, HARLOT!

[Senate Meeting]

Chancellor: Warning: This is a takeover. I repeat, this is a takeover. Goodbye, freedom!

Padme: *in an attempt to be wise and socially-concious, even though we all know women aren't* And so goes liberty: with thunderous applause.

Organa: Well said, m'lady. Well said. Except not!

[Jedi Temple]

Obi-Wan: Not even the younglings survived!

Yoda: I told you Anakin was evil. Misread the prophecy, you did.

Obi-Wan: Did not! I'ma go check out these security holograms.

Yoda: Do that, you should not.

Security holograms show Anakin tearing shit up at the Jedi temple. Obi-Wan is appalled.

Yoda: Kill him, you must!

Obi-Wan: I can't do that! Anakin is like a ~~lover~~ brother to me! Let me kill Palpatine, for the love of God!

Yoda: Let you kill Palpatine I cannot, or else gone would Old Man Fight: Part 3 be!

Obi-Wan: Damnit.

[Back on the Home Front]

Obi-Wan: I just saw your husband tear shit up at the Jedi temple...killing younglings!

Padme: Bitch, please! So, what color do you think I should paint the baby's-

Obi-Wan: I'M SERIOUS, DAMNIT. Now, I have to go to Mordor/Mostafar to find your Evil!Husband, so just stay here and wait patiently.

Padme: As if!

[The Senate]

Yoda: Where ever you are, come out, Emperor!

Emperor: MUAHAHA! I am going to rule the galaxy!

Yoda: Not on my watch!

Old Man Fight: Part 3 begins! At first, the Emperor beats the shit out of Yoda. Then, Yoda gets the one-up and takes the Emperor down with a Spinning Senate Chair of Doom. But then....the Emperor seems to knock Yoda down and he falls into the sewers and the Emperor thinks he's dead. But he isn't, because duh--he's Yoda, damnit!

[Mostafar]

Frodo: Can't...resist...the...Ring...!

Me: Psst, Frodo! Wrong evil volvanic wasteland!

Frodo: Damnit.

Padme and Obi-Wan land on Mostafar. Padme runs to Anakin, wearing an above-the-knee dress. Scandalous!

Padme: Even though we are on this evil-looking planet and your eyes have turned Sith red, for the love of God tell me you haven't joined the Dark Side!

Anakin: Oops, I have. But we can still be in love!

Padme: Dude, we really can't.

Anakin: Does Anakin Skywalker have to choke a bitch? *chokes a bitch, meaning Padme*

Obi-Wan: Stop right there!

Anakin: Thank you very much? You need somebody with a human touch?

Obi-Wan: Hey you! Always on the run! Gotta slow it down, baby, gotta have some fun...with the JEDI!

Anakin: NEVER! *Padme faints* You turned her against me!

Obi-Wan: I kinda think that one was all you, my friend.

Anakin: *pulls out his lightsaber* I KEEL YOU!

[Emperor's High Throne!]

Emperor Palpatine: I am living proof that you don't have to be attractive to be a Sith Lord. Suck it, Hayden Christensen!

Yoda: Yoda's in the hizouse! Commence Old Man Fight: Part 4, shall we?

Emperor Palpatine: Hmm...nah. *Sith-lightenings Yoda.*

[Mostafar]

Obi-Wan and Anakin are still fighting. It's exciting and full of phallic laser beams. Finally, Obi-Wan jumps to land and Anakin is left floating in a deathtrap of molten rock.

Obi-Wan: Ha, ha! I'm on land and you are not!

Anakin: Wah!

Obi-Wan: YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE! You were supposed to destroy the Sith, not join it!

Anakin: Except...I totally...just did. P.S. From my point of view, the Jedi are evil.

Obi-Wan: From my point of view, the Sith is evil!

Anakin: From my point of view, the Jedi are evil!

Obi-Wan: Evil Sith!

Anakin: Evil Jedi!

Obi-Wan: Evil--dude, this isn't getting us anywhere.

Anakin: Good call, I agree. Moving on.

Anakin jumps through the air, and soon becomes Dismembered!Anakin, as Obi-Wan cuts off his legs and arm.

Anakin: *Moans in pain*

Obi-Wan: You were a ~~lover~~ brother to me, Anakin! Why, why, why?

AngstyTeen!Anakin: I HATE YOU!

Obi-Wan: Eh, so be it. *leaves*

Anakin: *catches fire. Ouch, that's painful.*

[Coruscant]

Droid Thingy: Padme's dying!

Obi-Wan: Oh, shit!

Padme gives birth. Aw, Luke! Aw, Leia!

[Mostafar]

Emperor: Despite being dismembered and suffering extensive burns, Anakin Skywalker lives on! Imagine that! Take him back to the Darth Vader Making Station, droids!

Darth Vader Making Station...

Darth Vader: *breathes heavily*

Meanwhile, Padme dies. Boohoo.

Darth Vader: So, now that I'm all evil and stuff...where's the wifey?

Emperor: HAHA YOU KILLED HER!

Darth Vader: *Frankenstein walking* NOOOOOOOOOO!

[Coruscant]

Obi-Wan: We've got two orphaned babies on our hands. We can't eat them because that's not the Jedi way, so where should we send 'em?

Organa: I'll take the girl! Ever since my son was killed in that slow death montage my wife and I have wanted a daughter!

Yoda: Swell! Obi-Wan, you will take Luke back to Tatooine to give him to his relatives.

Obi-Wan: Hey, what happened to your wacky syntax?

Yoda: Screw wacky syntax! Anyway, I'm sending Qui-Gon to help you cope with the loss of your ~~lover~~ brother, mmmkay?

Obi-Wan: SWEET!

[THE END.]

Harry Potter and the Cliches of Doom, Part 2!

2005-06-02T01:22:48Z

Here it is, Harry Potter and the Cliches of Doom, REAL Chapter One!

(To read the Prologue, click here.

Mary Sue McAllister sat daintily in the Gryffindor common room, her wide, beautiful blue eyes taking in her surroundings. She did hope that she would fit in well here at Hogwarts, but she assumed it wasn't every day that transfer students from America enrolled because their parents had been killed by You-Know-Who. She sighed and clutched her bag. A few seconds later, two boys and a girl walked into the common room, looking very...happy.
"Oh!" The girl said, stopping short. "And who are you?" Mary Sue stood up.

"I'm Mary Sue McAllister! I just transfered here from the United States, and I got sorted into Gryffindor. Who are you guys?" Ron stopped dead in his tracks. Who was this beautiful girl? He looked from her to Hermione, and decided that Mary Sue was wholly more beautiful, and that he probably could get a lot more from her than he was getting from Hermione. Or Harry, for that matter.

"I'm Ron Weasley!" He said, bounding forward to shake her hand vigorously. But at the touch, Ron was struck by a spark of lightening that jumped from Mary Sue's hand to his. "Agh! What the bloody hell was that?" Mary Sue blushed. Oops...and she was hoping she wouldn't have to tell anyone about the powers that had been transferred from her to Voldemort in her daring act to save her parents!

"I'm Harry," Harry said, feeling a little depressed. He'd been hard-pressed to come up with a good excuse as to why he'd called Draco by his first name, so instead of thinking something up he'd dragged them all (sans Draco) to the Three Broomsticks for some butterbeer, and when Ron and Hermione had taken off for some remote corner of Hogsmeade to snog Harry had thrown on his invisibility cloak and stalked Draco around the town. Not that he'd be admitting to that one any time soon.

"And I'm Hermione," Hermione said bitterly. Oh, she'd seen the way Ron had been looking at her--and she didn't like it. Ron was really very sexually incompetent, so thank Merlin she was secretly shagging Ginny--she was such a little minx!

Mary Sue, on the other hand, grinned happily and bounced a little. New friends were so exciting!
____

Draco saw that new girl--what was her name?--Mary Sue, sitting at the Gryffindor table and shook his head. He'd just gotten an owl from his father telling him about her, and how she'd tried to rescue her parents from the Dark Lord. Draco rolled his eyes. Just what Hogwarts needed--another hero. Not that he minded their current one too much, that is. Yes, ever since he'd made eye contact with Harry at Hogsmeade, he'd fallen hopelessly in love with the Gryffindor Seeker, not that he'd admit it to anyone. But Draco did know that he needed to see him again, and fast. At least he'd already sent an owl to Harry, telling him to meet him outside of the prefect's bathroom late that evening.

___
Hermione led Mary Sue into the Potions dungeon, forcing the girl to sit as close to the Slytherins as possible. Hermione, on the other hand, rushed up to the front so that she could get a better view of Professor Snape, who had mysteriously become quite attractive and certainly not as mean as he used to be. Professor Snape turned around and inspected the new student, immediately glad for the robes that covered the growing tightness in his trousers.

"And you are...?" He asked the stunningly breathtaking blonde.

"Mary Sue McAllister!" Mary Sue said happily, beaming up at the professor. Draco scowled. Well, this was going to be a fun Potions class.

___
After Potions had finished and Professor Snape had spent ten minutes trying to come up with an excuse to give Mary Sue detention (which he did, eventually, when she knocked over her cauldron--"No points from Gryffindor, but detention for you young lady!"), Ron ran to catch up with the beautiful blonde girl.

"Snape's a right git, isn't he?" Mary Sue twirled a blonde curl around her fingers.

"Oh, I don't think so...I think he's quite nice, actually!"

"Yeah!" Ron said, completely changing his opinion of Snape, "That's what I think, too! Hey, look, it's a broom closet!" Mary Sue stopped in front of the broom closet. Wow, a broom closet! They didn't have any of those in the States! She opened the door and peeked inside. It was convienently empty. After a few seconds' debate, Ron pushed Mary Sue inside and locked the door behind him.

"What was that for?"

"I saw--I saw a teacher coming!" He whispered. Mary Sue giggled. She turned to face Ron and, finding his eyes in the darkness, leaned in to kiss him.

___
Draco paced back and forth outside of the prefects' bath, wondering if that git Harry was going to show up at all. Just then, Harry appeared from under his invisibility cloak, looking flushed and thoroughly delicious.
"Harry!" Draco squealed, and then stopped himself, because He. Was. Not. Gay. "I mean, Potter." Harry pressed his lips together and leaned heavily against the wall.

"If you've come here to shag me, Draco, there's something I have to tell you," Harry began. "During the summers I live with my relatives, the Durselys. They're right horrible, but their son especially so...and every day he'd threaten to do me me up the bum, and then this summer he actually did it! So that's why--" Draco was shocked.

"You mean...you've been abused, too?" Harry looked up through teary eyes.

"Wha--?"

"My father, that bastard! Every night he beat me, and now I hate him, and I'll never join the Death Eaters! Never!" Draco rushed forward and pulled Harry into a tight hug. Harry was bewildered.

"I--I--I don't know what to say, Draco," Draco nearly melted into Harry's arms at the mention of his first name coming from such perfect lips, but he pulled himself together and said the password for the baths. He pulled Harry inside and turned on all of the taps. Harry pushed his glasses up his nose and leaned forward to kiss Draco. Draco welcomed the kiss, and as they kissed Draco pulled off Harry's glasses and tossed them to the side. Draco smiled into the kiss as Harry's fingers flew to undo the buttons of his shirt. Finally, someone that understood him.

Here it is...in response to a challenge over at Sorting__Hat!

2005-06-01T22:52:15Z

All right, I officially love writing cliche fics, even though this doth be my first. I don't know how many chapters are going to be in it, but so far I've got about 3 written and they are all increasingly filled with cliches. But I know all of this talking is boring, so on to the fic!

Title: Harry Potter and the Cliches of DOOM.
Rating: I'd say about PG-13.
Pairing: Multiple pairings of slah and het, all involving the Trio-plus Ginny-plus-Draco-plus-Snape-plus MARY SUE!
Plot: A shameless fic containing as many Harry Potter fanfiction cliches that I can think of. Chapter 1 doesn't have that many, but don't worry--there will definitely be more to come!

Draco Malfoy stood before his wardrobe, pondering just which pair of leather trousers he was going to wear to Hogsmeade that day. Sure, they all looked the same--but that wasn't the point. There was his shagging pair, the pair he only wore if he were out for a good shag, there was his dating pair, you know--the pair he wore on dates (which didn't happen often as Draco liked his women--and his men--fast and no strings attached), and a whole host of other pairs for various events. After many minutes' speculation, Draco picked up his favorite pair--black, sleek, and perfectly arse-hugging. Oh, yes. This Hogsmeade trip was going to be fun.

_____

Meanwhile, on the other side of the castle, Harry performed a silencing spell on Ron's bed as Ron sat propped against the pillows, white as a sheet.
"What if someone walks in?" he whispered. Harry shrugged. He hadn't actually thought that far yet. "Well, we'd better hurry up, people are starting to set off to Hogsme-" Ron was cut off by Harry's mouth open his, and Ron decided that this was a lot better than talking. He wrapped his arms and Harry's waist to bring him closer, and Harry brought his hands up to tangle his fingers in Ron's red locks. Ron ran his tongue over Harry's lips, and he opened them with a sigh and brought his--

"Oi, Ron! Harry! You guys coming or not?" Seamus yelled from the doorway.

"Bloody hell!" Ron yelled, pushing Harry out through the curtains and zipping up his trousers, which had mysteriously come undone during the snogging session. Seamus looked confused.

"What were you guys doing in there?" Harry and Ron exchanged glances.

"Studying," Harry said.

"Playing Exploding Snap," Ron said, at the same time. Seamus looked at the two of them suspiciously, but shrugged it off and headed towards the common room.

"I knew we were going to get caught!" Ron yelled as soon as Seamus was gone. "I knew it! I told you, didn't I?"

"Seamus is kind of cute, don't you think?" Harry said, completely changing the subject.

"What? Argh--Harry!"
_____

Draco stood by the Shrieking Shack, smiling from the excellent snog (plus a little more) that he'd just had with that Ravenclaw girl--what was her name? Ah, bugger it. It wasn't as though he was ever going to see her again, anyway. He was just about to go back to the Three Broomsticks to meet up with his next appointment when he saw Ron and Hermione ambling their way towards him, completely oblivious of him. Draco was sickened, and he wished they would take their disgusting lovefest elsewhere. It's not that Granger isn't attractive, Draco thought, Merlin knows she's certainly filled out over the summer...and she had. Draco'd decided that he would've wanted a go at her if she wasn't a filthy Mudblood. And then there was that incompetent Weasley...while redheads weren't his taste, he definitely wasn't hideous...Draco sighed and cleared his throat when the two lovebirds threatened to step on his expensive new shoes.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't Weasel and the Mudblood. Off to go make the Shrieking Shack really shriek?"

Draco paused to chuckle at his own delightful sense of humor, and then quickly shut up. Merlin, he was becoming more and more of a queen by the second. Hermione rolled her eyes as Ron lunged for him.

"Oh, just ignore him, Ron. Besides, I took tai kwan doe over the summer, I could probably take him out loads better than you could." Draco snorted. No wonder she was so...built. Ron turned red from the tips of his hair downwards, which Draco decided wasn't a wholly unattractive look.

"You know, Weasley," he drawled, "if you didn't spend all of your time with Mudbloods, we could go investigate the Shack." Draco turned a little so that the Weasel got a nice view of his arse.

"Er...I...er, what I mean is, er," Ron stammered. "I'm not a pouf!" Draco laughed.

"Who said I was?" Hermione stepped forward.

"Malfoy, you're being ridiculous. Why don't you go find someone else to bother?"

"Like you?"

At that moment, Harry decided to make an appearance. His insides burned at seeing Ron's hand around Hermione's waist, and he knew the only reason Ron was letting Harry snog him was because he wasn't getting any from Hermione. But the burning in his insides soon melted as he took in Draco in that fabulous pair of leather trousers. Harry gulped and was very glad that he had chosen to wear his robes today, because his trousers were becoming increasingly tight.

Draco rolled his eyes. Oh, fantastic, it was the Boy-Who-Lived come to save him from buggering Ron up the bumhole. Not that he would have done it, anyway, he was just trying to have a bit of fun with the attractive little redhead...Draco snickered. Judging by the size of those feet, Ron was anything but little. Draco then noticed that Harry's green eyes had become dreamy as he stared at the Slytherin, and he smiled. Oh, the joys of being part-veela, he thought with a sigh. The fact that he was part-veela wasn't something Draco liked to tell often--he certainly didn't want anyone to know that he'd had a little genetic help in the girls-getting area of things.

He paused to look at Harry some more. Now that Draco thought about it, Harry was actually quite attractive, what with his sparkling green eyes and Quidditch-toned muscles...and as far as he knew, completely without a romantic attachment. Not that Draco had any qualms about shagging people already in relationships. It was just that it was between Harry and Ron, and Harry didn't come with an annoying (but attractive) Hermione attachment.

"D-D-Draco," Harry stammered. Ron and Hermione were shocked. Had Harry just called Malfoy by his first name? Draco smirked again. Interesting Hogsmeade trip, indeed.